What Counts as Emotional Infidelity?
When we think about cheating, physical affairs usually come to mind: a kiss or a sexual encounter with someone outside the relationship. But infidelity isn't always physical. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging to your primary relationship, and they're often harder to recognize. Understanding what constitutes emotional infidelity is essential for protecting your relationship.
It's also important to remember that every couple defines monogamy differently. What feels like a betrayal in one relationship might be acceptable in another. That's why having open, honest conversations with your partner about boundaries is so crucial.
What Is an Emotional Affair?
An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship where you're sharing the kind of emotional intimacy that should be reserved for your partner. This connection can gradually erode your primary relationship by pulling your attention, energy, and emotional investment away from where it belongs.
While many emotional affairs never become physical, they sometimes do. What starts as texting a coworker late at night can develop into something more if boundaries aren't established and maintained.
Signs of an Emotional Affair
Here are some warning signs that your relationship with someone might have crossed the line into emotional infidelity:
You're in constant contact with them. You find yourself texting this person frequently; for example, during work hours, on vacation, late at night, or even when you're spending time with your partner. You may even neglect quality time with your partner because you're busy messaging someone else.
You think about them often. Throughout your day, you're wondering what they're doing, how they're feeling, or what they might think about something. This person has become your mental default instead of your partner.
They're the first person you want to tell good news. When something exciting happens, you get a promotion, finally finish that big project, or just have some good luck during the day, you reach for your phone to tell them before your partner.
You're sharing intimate details about your current relationship. You discuss private aspects of your relationship with your partner that you know they wouldn't be comfortable with you sharing. This might include details about your sex life, arguments, or other personal matters.
You're making unfavorable comparisons. You catch yourself thinking about how this person is better than your partner in certain ways. You might think they’re more understanding, funnier, more attractive, more successful. You fantasize about what life would be like with them instead.
You're keeping it secret. You hide text messages, delete conversations, avoid mentioning their name in group settings, or downplay the amount of time you spend communicating with them. If you feel the need to conceal the relationship from your partner, that's a significant red flag.
The Importance of Outside Friendships
It's important to clarify that having emotionally intimate friendships outside your relationship is healthy and necessary. You should have friends you can talk to about your life, including friends of any gender. Your partner shouldn't control or heavily restrict your friendships. This can actually be a sign of an unhealthy or abusive relationship. The difference is in the nature of the connection and whether it's taking away from your primary relationship rather than complementing it.
Moving Forward
If you're discovering signs of an emotional affair, whether you're having one or your partner is, it's time to seek help. Couples counseling for infidelity can provide a safe space to address what's happening, understand the underlying issues in your relationship, and rebuild trust and connection. Remember, every relationship requires clear communication about boundaries and expectations. What matters most is that you and your partner are on the same page about what monogamy means to both of you.
If you're struggling with issues of emotional infidelity or want to strengthen your relationship, schedule a consultation with me today.